I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Actions speak louder than pants.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
