Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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