Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
