so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
