how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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