Only a mothe r could love this liver
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
