I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
