just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
