I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
