TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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