I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
