Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
