You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
