Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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