suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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