I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
