im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
