Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
