he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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