I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
