stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
