Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Vodka?
Forever.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
