I smell stomach acid.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
