I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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