is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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