I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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