So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Randomize
