Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
