im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
