You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We talked him into tasing himself.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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