Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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