Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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