It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
