i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Say something about gay babies.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
