I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
My vagina is officially offended.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
