You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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