I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
