he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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