Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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