I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
