Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
