wrigley field is MILF paradise
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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