She is in my trunk
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize