After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
