Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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