I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
