Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
