I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
