And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
