Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
