What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
