hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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