Swine flu. Run for my life!
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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