One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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