Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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