Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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