he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
