remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
