Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My breasts were aching with rage.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
