she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
