He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
