My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
