i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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