The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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