Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
