I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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